Down Bad

February has always been an interlude month for me. I haven’t had anything to look forward to in years; of course, there’s always Valentine’s Day, but I haven’t had the privilege of calling someone my Valentine yet. It’s a pretty holiday, and I like the theme, the flowers, and the hearts. It’s as lover’s holiday.

I wanted Valentine’s Day to be a little different this year, at least I think so, but my chances for it aren’t looking too good right now. I’m still waiting for that “Happy New Year!” text from my school crush. I might’ve gotten too far ahead of myself by pre-ordering a flower box with chocolates and roses; a nice little Valentine’s gift for someone special. I think I might still have a chance for a Valentine this year, there’s a little over a week left, and I have some DMs to send out.

the gift box

I’ve been making real progress towards one of my goals this year. A peer from college and I are collaborating and working on making a simple web app together. It’s a functional invoicing system with printable invoices, inventory system, and database to keep track of all the information. I’m excited about it, especially when I’m seeing real progress. This is the first time I share publicly what it’s all about, but I’m more than happy that we have this going. When it’s done I’ll be able to use it, and test it, and progress it as time goes on. I’m excited about it.

I’ve been doing good to say the least. I’ve been putting my head down and really focusing on the future and what I want to do later on. Sometimes I forget how young and I am and think I’m running out of time, but I still have a whole lifetime ahead of me. It’s both frightening and assuring.

In my personal life, I went out the other day with someone close, and I felt a feeling a I hadn’t felt in a long time. There’s been several times before when I’m out with somebody and all of a sudden I feel dread and ask myself why I’m even there. It’s this sinking feeling that puts me in a bad mood, because I want to be feeling the complete opposite. This hadn’t happened to me in years, but I felt it again last week. I’m sad that it happened.

I enjoy this person and being with them, but I don’t know what happened that made it different. I don’t know if it was me, or her, or something that was said, or something that happened. It just happened. I felt terrible. I wanted the night to go well; I wanted us to have fun; I wanted for both of us to have a good time; but this lightning bolt of displeasure that struck me was tangible. I haven’t talked to her since; I’m not sure how I’d explain myself, or explain exactly what happened. I think it’s best I let it pass and forget about it.

To continue this theme of dread, I’ve been reading The Grand Inquisitor a poem within Dostoevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov. I’ve read it before and loved it. It deals with religion and God, and their place in the world. Dostoevsky reasons that the church exists and governs men using the name of God, but with devilish principles.

I’m not big on religion, but I think that being able to have an opinion on it is important. Reading that for the first time two years ago was eye opening and I still have that same feeling every time I go back and read it. With some cheap bread men can give up their freedom and serve anybody. The Grand Inquisitor argues that if God came back, as he said he would, he’d have nothing to say or offer to humanity; what’s been said is written, says the Grand Inquisitor, and only the priests and pope have the authority to command and demand in the name of God.

It’s a fascinating idea, that intrigues me.

This year I think you can expect more blog posts than in 2020 and years past. I want to maybe do weekly, or semi-weekly posts. I’m sure I can do it; and I have someone that believes I can. I guess that’s really all I need to do it.

If you’ve read this all the way, I appreciate you more than you know. Thank you!

Also, please visit the new website I designed for my family’s business. It would mean a lot.

-Jonathan <3