Now for something more recent

I feel like this year has been and probably will end up being one of the most important years of my life.

We’re already halfway through and a lot has happened. I graduated, got my CS degree, and started my career as a software engineer, it really feels like I’ve done so much and yet nothing at all.

I’ve had lots of people ask me, “How does it feel?”, they’re asking me what’s it like to graduate, to have a career, and I feel bad because I don’t really have a good answer for them.

I should tell them that I feel proud, that I’m happy it’s over with, but I don’t really feel that way. How is it that I feel so empty? I should be proud and I should be happy, but to me, it feels like all I did was cross things off of a list. There is some feeling of relief, but I can’t stop thinking about what’s next.

Ralph Waldo Emerson in “Self Reliance” said, “It’s not the destination, It’s the journey”, and I can’t help but agree with him. Having somewhere to go to gives you purpose, it gives you direction, and gives you meaning, once you get there you lose yourself. You don’t know what to do. Like a dog who finally catches the car it’s been chasing.

Graduating and starting a career, felt as insignificant as tying my shoes or doing my bed in the morning. I know that they’re not minuscule accomplishments; being the first one in the family to graduate, the first one with a real career, and doing all this while not being documented. How could that be nothing?

I shouldn’t be so careless, and it’s not that I am, but is there more? What’s the one thing that’ll make me feel complete?

I wish a had a better answer for them.

My final semester was a mix of easy gliding and turbulence.

My classes felt like chores, and although I did learn some new things I wasn’t all that interested in them. I was looking toward the future. My job search had started the semester before and went on until February.

I went through several interviews and several code assessments before finally landing a job. It wasn’t easy by any means and I know that I am lucky to be where I’m at, but I can’t say that I didn’t deserve it.

Why shouldn’t I expect things to go well for me?

Almost halfway through February, I got an interview request from someone at General Motors, this wasn’t until after I had submitted my code test. I spoke with someone there for about 30 minutes on Valentine’s Day, and from there I got scheduled for two more hour-long interviews.

I don’t really struggle during interviews. I’ve always found myself being able to talk through whatever it is I’m being asked, like any good politician.

It wasn’t long after those two interviews that I got a call from a dev manager in Austin; it was maybe a week later. He called asking how I thought my interviews went, from my perspective everything had gone smoothly, all excellent. He asked some other things too, but I don’t remember them.

Finally, he said what I was waiting to hear, that he had an offer for me.

I accepted the offer and I had a really good breakfast after that. The semester wasn’t even halfway done and I already had a job lined up.

After that, I took even it easier than I was. I was chronically turning in assignments late, and I would sleep through my morning classes, I was over it. I had a job already, so what was the point of turning in these bullshit presentations and worthless worksheets on robotics in the military?

I graduated.

As ugly and scary as it looked, that Friday came, and I put on my black and white suit and my cap and gown and walked across that stage. I still remember the guy on stage telling me to smile as I walked across for the dummy diploma they had out. I had spent the last hour and a half of that ceremony wishing I was at home. I felt the same way during my high school graduation. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

As I walked I heard my family cheer and yell. I put that smile on for them.

I didn’t have a big party or anything like that, just something small with family and my closest friends. It would’ve been nice to have something big, but I don’t have that many people to invite.

I started work the Monday right after graduation.

I threw myself into the deep end, but that’s my life. Always working, always doing something, even when I’m doing nothing.

Work’s been okay. I go to the office once or twice a week and I get along pretty well with my team. I’ve learned a lot. I used to sleep a lot better before I started. That’s my only complaint.

I’m still not doing hot in the relationship department. I’m a mess — the worst.

My closest friends are married, have kids, or are close to getting there. How can that be me? I should just ask them, but here I am airing myself out.

I have a very bad habit of getting what I want and throwing it away. Self-destruction is my vice.

I’m living in a loop like Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day; seeing the same things, saying the same things, doing the same things over and over again, and that’s my problem. I don’t change.

It’s not that I’m incapable of it. Change is the most natural thing in life, but I’m a coward afraid of having things go well.

Maybe there’s hope for me, maybe there isn’t, but at least I have a bank full of memories.

We’re more than halfway through the year and it really feels like time is flying by. I’m not too sure what the future looks like for me. I expect good things to happen, but it’s hard sometimes.

There’s so much I have to worry about, to think about. I can barely breathe.

All I can do is take one day at a time. One puzzle piece after another, just building and trying to see the bigger picture.