It’s 2019. Crazy that a whole year has passed already. I am thankful to have made it to see another year. 2018 almost got my ass, it was a hell of a ride, full of ups and downs, but I’m here.
There’s lots to say about 2018. It held a lot of surprises for me both good and bad. I got to graduate from high school. I was able to travel more than I ever have before. I completed my first semester of college. I got first place in state for a network design competition. I accomplished a lot in 2018. Many mistakes were made along the way, but from those mistakes I have learned some tough, hard lessons.
Graduating from high school was an incredible accomplishment. I am the first of my family to do so; I could not have done it without the help and support of my amazing family and friends. Finishing high school was bittersweet. It was like the end of a long vacation far from home, where you want to savor the nirvana of being away for as long as possible, but you also miss the routine. My vacation was high school, as lousy as it sounds, it was easy and worry free, but leaving propelled me into the real world. Not that I wasn’t prepared for it, but my time of slacking off and setting aside responsibilities were over. It was time to grow up. The way high school ended for me was not what I intended it to be. The way I left things with the people I spent this four year journey with were distasteful, to say the least, I was a pain. I really wanted to have the happy ending, where my peers and I sign each others yearbooks and share stories of the memories we’ve had. But I failed. I left behind a legacy of solemness and gloom. Despite that, the past is the past, and I wish my peers the best in their future endeavors. I’ve never held any ill wishes towards any of them and they will always hold a place in my heart.
Summer 2018 was not that bad actually. I completed my internship with Mesa Public Schools and I got an award letter from the governor of AZ. That letter gives me a little something to tease my siblings with since they don’t have one. Summer was average, it consisted of work and more work. After summer, I started college. After completing my first semester, I’m happy to say that it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. The classes I took were not anything difficult and I got to meet some really nice people along the way. I am eager to start my second semester and finish my freshman year. Originally, I had my doubts over even going to college, but I’m happy that I surpassed them and made the decision to attend.
In my personal life, the first half of the year was miserable for me. I was in a major slump. Because of that, high school ended the way it did for me. Most of the time I was upset, not angry or disappointed, but drowning in sorrow. Every morning I’d wake up feeling like a stranger in my own body. I was trapped in a never ending nightmare. I lost a lot. I stopped being the buoyant voice in the room. The relationships I shared with many of my peers were broken. Each day was a constant battle with myself. There were times were I really felt like throwing in the towel and taking my own life. The fear of leaving behind a broken household with my death was the only reason I did not do it. The somber aura that encompassed me, pushed everyone away. I neglected reaching out to anyone because I felt like a burden. Everyone has their own problems and this one was mine. It led to the loss of some amazing people from my life. I spent half of the year feeling like a victim. I spent half of the year feeling like there wasn’t a single soul on the planet that I could genuinely reach out to and talk with. It was a tough time for me.
Despite how close I was to becoming a distant memory, once autumn came, I was able to smile again. My trip to Seattle marked the beginning of a better me. Looking back at it, it was the best thing I did all year. I was able to spend time with myself and really think about what I was missing out on. I gained back my confidence and returned to AZ fully refreshed. The first half of the year barred me from many experiences and friendships, I didn’t want to keep living that way any more so I changed for the better.
The relationship department for me in 2018 was poor. A lot of the people I called friends in high school are long gone. People change, relationships do too. In 2018 I learned that most of the time, those closest to you are the ones who let you down the hardest. I hold blame too, when it comes to communicating the real hard to say stuff, feelings and emotions, in a one-on-one setting, I’ve been terrible. Despite losing many, I still have my main group of friends that I can always count on. They are family. 2018 was tragic for me with monogamous relationships. They were all failed attempts. I even had one tell me, that I’d be alone forever. I’ve come to terms with the idea that she was probably right.
At the start of 2018 I made a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish by the end of the year. Out of the five goals I set, I successfully met two of them. However, the problem is that you can set goals and plan out all you want, but without action there are no results. In 2019 I will be better. In the end, 2018 was a year of growth for me. I learned a lot. I lost a lot. It was a battle, but I’m here to happily see and confront a new year with a pma, positive mental attitude.
-Jonathan 🙂